On the Soundtrack to the Coming Apocalypse

So, it's been in the news lately, maybe you've heard mention of it...but the Apocalypse is upon us. Perhaps you've heard of an ancient group of people called the Mayans who were super-smart and created this calendar that apparently just suddenly stops at December 21st this year, which I guess means the world's just going to end. They were even so confident about this event they created a website for it.

Anyway, don't even bother denying that you're not scared about this. Because it's totally going to happen, and you know it, I know it, Dwight Howard knows it. Everyone. And what I'd like to share with you today is the soundtrack that will accompany this catastrophic, world-ending event. And hopefully it will make you feel a little better about said event.

First, before I tell you the name of this band, I must clarify how I even stumbled upon them. I've long had a special place in my heart for Jewish klezmer music, as well as Russian folk dance music. Or maybe I should be less specific and just say "Eastern European-ish folky dance music, the kind where everyone dances drunkenly in circles and shouts and stuff."

I'm not sure where my love for it derived. Maybe it's because I once played one of the the only non-singing parts in "Fiddler on the Roof," and that musical has vague shades of both of those types interwoven with Tevye's hilarious banter with God. So lately I've been requesting stuff from the library that might fit with that. "Jewish Wedding Songs," was one. "Russian Folk Dances" was another (at least I think it was. The text was all in Russian, which I am unable to read because I am not a Cold War-era spy). And one day I noticed a new CD pop in the rotation and I naturally pounced, not really knowing anything about the group. Their name?

The Diablo Swing Orchestra.The album was called "Pandora's Pinata."

I mean come on! With a name like that how can you resist?

So I get the CD one day from the library and pop it into my car's CD player. I'm not sure what I was expecting, really. Maybe a "devilish" swing band, with a couple crazzeeee fiddle players and some other general awesomeness. I was clearly unprepared for the complete tonal assault on my senses that promptly totally overloaded my synapses.

Little did I know that the Diablo Swing Orchestra is a Swedish avant-garde metal band. Their record label, appropriately enough, is called Sensory Records.

It's off to the races from the start, as the album opens with a freakout called "Voodoo Mon Amour," and your mind is effing blown. Had I not been on an interstate with little shoulder room, I would've probably pulled off the road.

Within a minute, they've managed to combine Gershwin's Summertime, metal guitars, ska horns, operatic singing, an awesomely catchy chorus and a swing beat into one goddam song. Then about three minutes in, what do you know it, but devilish strings! Congratulations, my brain is molten mush.

And I'm pretty sure that when the Diablo Swing Orchestra was making this album, they knew they were summoning were crafting the soundtrack to the coming Apocalypse. Just look at some of these song titles: "Kevlar Sweethearts," "Mass Rapture," "Exit Strategy of a Wrecking Ball."

Or the second song on the album, "Guerilla Laments." They knew exactly what they were doing.

And all this means, really, is that as giant Jupiter-sized volcanoes erupt from the depths of the oceans and belch great fiery balls of hot molten lava over the continents and 200 mile per hour winds blow torrential ice and hail across the plains, we will at least have something to groove to as our bodies turn to dust.

Thank you, Diablo Swing Orchestra.